.Repentance After Confession: Filling the Emptiness by Sam Williamson

I once felt betrayed by a friend; it was not a simple sense of betrayal but a deep visceral sense of treachery. I felt hurt and angry and I thought ill of my friend; I wanted justice. Of course I’ve read not to let a “root of bitterness grow” in my heart (Hebrews 12:15), but I continued to experience bad thoughts about my friend. I would repent for those bad thoughts; I’d resolve to stop thinking them; and I’d confess such thoughts to God and close friends. And yet they kept popping up, no matter how hard I tried to stop.

And I am not alone. I have friends who also have patterns of behavior they wish to change. They too confess and resolve to stop, but more often than not, the conduct rears its ugly head again (and again). No matter how hard the effort.


When most of us think of repentance, we think of a change in behavior, turning from bad things and resolving to live a good life. We tend to focus on external actions; we’ll stop doing this and start doing that. Unfortunately, most of us find that our resolutions to repent, like short-lived fireworks, fade away after that brief flash of inspiration. In a few weeks or months – perhaps only a few days – our resolve has crumbled and our previous behavior is back. Sometimes with renewed vigor.
Our resolve to change seems powerless; we need an interior motivation. We need a change of heart and mind. In fact the Greek word for repentance (metanoia) can be translated as a “change of mind or heart.” It means more than changed behavior; it means a change in motivations of the heart.


As I struggled with my friend’s betrayal, God led me to Philippians 2:3, where Paul asks us to, “do nothing from rivalry or conceit.” Paul pursues why we act. He is not only addressing what we do but why we do it. He is asking, “What fuels our behavior?”


We think of conceit as a pride or cockiness. But the English translation for Paul’s exhortation to “do nothing from conceit” falls short of the mark. The old King James translation was better when it said do nothing from “vain glory.” The Greek word (kenodoxia) actually means “empty glory.” Paul teaches that many of the actions we dislike in others (and ourselves!) arise from an emptiness of glory. He says, “do nothing fueled by that emptiness.”

 Acting from our empty glory is the root of many of our harmful actions. When repentance merely consists of commitment to modify behavior, it misses our core motives. It’s like taking cough syrup for lung cancer; it may momentarily quiet the symptoms, but it doesn’t address the disease.

Our issues seem insurmountable because they involve our nature. In the first chapter of the Bible, God says we are made in his image, designed for glory and significance. In the fall through Adam and Eve’s disobedience, we lost that glory, but we never lost our need for glory and significance. Glory is core to our very essence. We’ll never get healing of our very person until we see how desperately we need it and how frantically we grasp for it.

When we feel empty of glory, something inside of us seeks to fill that emptiness. When I remembered my friend’s betrayal, another thought inevitably accompanied that sense; I said to myself, “I would never do that.” In saying, “I would never do that,” I was trying to fill my empty glory. I was saying, “I’m not that bad; in fact I’m pretty good.” 
Whenever we try to self-satisfy our hunger for glory, we end up acting contrary to the new nature Christ has given us. And not only do we act wrongly, we also leave a wake of destruction caused by the sucking vacuum of our emptiness.
Take a moment and think of how others we know have created this vortex of destruction:

• A man you know falls back into pornography because of an inner dissatisfaction, and he is discovered, and trust is broken.
• Bosses you know who aren’t satisfied with their recent promotion; in addition they take credit for others’ ideas, they constantly promote themselves and they need to win at every office game. Their “management life” is about them and how great they are, not about their employees and how to care for colleagues.
• Ministry workers unceasingly express self-affirmation: “Didn’t I give a great talk, and wasn’t that a profound idea? And look how well I lead small groups!” People flee from them like the plague.

Now take a moment and reflect on how we each fill our own emptiness:

• Do we always have to be in control or in charge? 
• Are we constantly seeking affirmation?
• Are we constantly expressing, “Woe is me, I am so hurt, poor me.”
• Do others consider us arrogant?
• How do we handle criticism, just or unjust?
• Do we frequently think of our own hard work or our relative goodness or smarts or success?

Can we see our own vain attempts to self-fill our inner emptiness, and can we see such attempts never satisfy? We keep trying to fill that void, but we are still devoid of glory. As in quicksand, the more we struggle within ourselves to fill this emptiness, the deeper we sink. We need something outside ourselves to fill us with glory.
This attempt to self-fill our own emptiness is just not possible. It’s like trying to pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps; motivational speakers love to teach it, but it’s physically impossible. The more we try to pull our boots up, the more we pull ourselves – and others around us – down. We need outside help.

As I was praying, confessing my anger toward my friend, I felt God gently nudge me toward some self-reflection. Are there ways I betray Christ? The self-reflection convicted me in these ways: I take credit for my success in the computer industry; I take credit for working hard; I take credit for ideas God has given me. All of these self congratulations form a type of spiritual plagiarism. I’m stealing credit from God. If I had been born 100 years ago in Tibet to other parents, what are the chances of my computer success, or my hard office work, or my “profound” ideas? Everything I have is from God’s grace. And I take credit … simply to fill that void of empty glory.

And yet, despite my own betrayal of God by my plagiaristic ingratitude, he continues to love me. He loves me so much he sent his Son to die in order to give me a new heart and a new life. In the moment of my deepest betrayal, God was there deeply loving me.

This is the change of heart I need; his love in the midst of my failure. 

True repentance transcends mere commitment to behavior change. It is a change of heart and mind. It is a movement from trying to fill myself toward a heart that is filled by the glory and love of Christ. It means going to God in our emptiness and allowing him to fill that void with his love and care. We stop acting out of our old hearts and begin operating from our new hearts.

Do you feel condemned by a sense that you have been trying to fill yourself up? Stop it! That is just one more attempt at self-filling (“Oh, I feel so bad, aren’t I great for feeling so bad!”). Instead, bring those convictions of self filling (not condemnations) to Christ and pause in that confession. And sense his love, forgiving you and filling you with his love.

This is the deep repentance – the change of heart and mind – that we need for a rich life. It is seeing that the significance and importance we need in our hearts can only be satisfied by seeing what Christ paid for us in order to have us. It is hearing God say we are his beloved.

So, in the moment of confessing my betrayal of Christ; in the moment of emptying my self-glory – in that moment, Christ fills me with a sense of his incredible love. I see him loving me even in the midst of my betrayal, and now I care far less that someone betrayed me. All of a sudden, I no longer look for “justice.” All of a sudden I begin to be filled with a sense of love for my friend. I begin to feel his emptiness and what he has to do to fill it, and I begin to care for him and feel the pain he must be feeling.
In that moment, I am filled.

The Philippians verse I quoted above (“do nothing from rivalry or conceit”) is followed by an ancient song called The Kenosis or The Emptying. It goes like this: 

Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, 
who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, 
but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. 
And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death,  even death on a cross. 
Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, 
so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. 

(Philippians 2:5-11 English Standard Version)

Most sermons on this song conclude with, “So live like Jesus did, be humble, and care for others.” But the passage does not begin with, “Have this example among yourselves.” Instead, it begins, “Have this mind among yourselves.” It is saying, “Change your heart and mind; truly repent.” Even though Christ is one with God, he does not “grasp” onto that glory; he isn’t self-filling. Instead, he empties himself. What is he doing? He is emptying himself of his glory so that he can fill us with his glory. Christ emptied himself of glory so he could pour his glory into us. When we see him doing that for us, we are filled.

Deep repentance is not mere behavior change; deep repentance is the mind and heart which sees and senses – deeply knows – his love in our hearts in such a way that we are filled with his glory. Deep repentance is not merely clipping the dandelion flower of external actions; it is removing the tap root of self-filling behavior and coming to sense the deep filling love of the one who sees us as we are – and loves us.
© Copyright 2011, Beliefs of the Heart, Ltd. All rights reserved.

A message to future me. (to be edited)

Angel! GET A GRIP OF YOURSELF! God wants you to get your head straight about Him and His purpose for you. Stop wasting anymore time. Stop wasting your life awayyyyyy. Start fighting the good fight and run the good race. Time starts NOW!!!!!!!! :) Ok, bye.

Set Your Mind on Things Above by Steve Montag

 “If then you were raised with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God.  Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth.  For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.”

This last verse says you are dead; you must be dead in order to be raised.  We need to get this today!  We need to understand verse 3.  When you read this statement you should ask yourself: What is my life?  What does it consist of?

 Let’s look at what the Lord says our life does not consist of, in Luke 12:15.  Jesus said, “Take heed and beware of covetousness, for one’s life does not consist in the abundance of the things he possesses.”  It’s okay to have nice things, we believe God wants His people to prosper and do well in life but we need to understand that our life does not consist of those things.  In verse 22 Jesus tells his disciples:

 “Don’t worry about your life, what you will eat; nor about the body, what you will put on.  Life is more than food, and the body is more than clothing.  Consider the ravens, for they neither sow nor reap, which have neither storehouse nor barn and God feeds them.  Of how much more value are you than the birds?  And which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?  If you then are not able to do the least, why are you anxious for the rest?  Consider the lilies, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.  If then God so clothes the grass, which today is in the field and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will He clothe you, O you of little faith?  Do not seek what you should eat or what you should drink, nor have an anxious mind.  For all these things the nations of the world seek after, and your Father knows that you need these things.  But seek the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added to you.”

 Why do we need to seek Him?  Because we are dead and our lives are hidden in Christ.  The things that surround us do not define the essence of who we are but are put here for our survival and comfort.  They do not define who we are to God.  What really is our life?  The essence of who you are is your personality and spirit God has put in you, also, the plans and purposes God has designed for you to accomplish.  We are his workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works which God prepared beforehand for us to do.  Every time and opportunity presents itself for us to do something that was already planned for us. It was already in God’s Day-Timer, before he created the planet.  All of our days have been ordained for us.  To truly know what either of those things are (who we are and what our purpose is in the kingdom and in this life), we need to find Him.  That’s where all of that information is hidden!

When you come to the Lord and ask Jesus to save you, the scripture says we die with Christ on the cross.  We’re dead and dead people don’t have rights or get a vote.  You are dead and your life is hidden with Christ.  God wants to reveal to us who we really are.  We think we know who we are but we have allowed ourselves to be defined by what we do and by other people, people who spoke a lot of garbage into our life.  That’s why many of us come into the kingdom of God damaged.  That’s why we come into the kingdom with so much low self-esteem.  We start believing what people say we are but God wants to heal us from those lies.   Some of us are afraid to be who we really are because we think we aren’t loveable.  But God loves us and he created us that way.  If we really want to know who we are, we need to find Him.  We need Him to be revealed to us; His word is true and He’s got good things to say about you.  People will say we’re no good, that we’re losers but God says we’re more than conquerors and we are made in God’s image.

 As the Body of Christ we need to find out who we are.  We may not like the body we’re in but it’s the body we have.  There might be things about our body that we can’t help because God has created it that way but in other ways we are self-made.  We’re a Body and in order for the Body of Christ to be healthy, each part of the Body must be healthy.  And if we are walking around identifying ourselves by lies that we’ve been fed all our lives then we aren’t healthy parts of the Body and that means the Body is not healthy. 

 God wants His Body to be healthy because He’s going to do some extraordinary things through His body very soon!

 God put us together in the womb and our body parts didn’t get to choose which part of the body they wanted to be, isn’t that right?  You don’t get to choose what part of the Body you get to be, God let’s you know which part you are.

 In 1 Corinthians 12:15 it says, “If the foot should say, ‘Because I am not a hand, I am not of the body,’ is it therefore not of the body?  And if the ear should say, ‘Because I am not an eye, I am not of the body,’ is it therefore not of the body?  If the whole body were an eye, where would be the hearing?  If the whole were hearing, where would be the smelling?  But now God has set the members, each one of them, in the body just as He pleased.”  

He knows where we fit.  Thank God our body parts, in the natural, don’t have a mind of their own.  Imagine if your ear decided one day that it wanted to be a foot.  Imagine trying to walk on your ear: you just can’t do it.  It wasn’t designed to do that but we do that in the Body of Christ.  We say I want her job, I want to do what he is doing, that’s great but he’s a hand and you’re not.  Hands are useful but if you have more than two you’re a freak.  God only gives us two hands and two feet.  You might part of the skeletal structure?  How’s that for not being in the limelight?  What if you’re a rib or a shoulder bone?  That means the Body would sag because you don’t want to do your part.  It’s not the pastors’ job to tell you which part you are.  It’s their job to equip you and encourage you.  It’s your job to set your mind on things above not on things of the earth.  Find out who He is and He’ll tell you who you are and where you fit.

 It’s time for us to seek Him with all our heart, to press towards where God is so we can find him and say, “Lord show me who you are, reveal Yourself to me and tell me what I’m supposed to be doing in the Body.”  We need to lay hold of God and get a hold of the purpose for our lives.  God has called us with a holy calling.  Not according to our works but according to His own purpose and grace which was given to us through Christ Jesus before the world began.  It’s time for us to lay hold of God and refuse to let go until he blesses us and tells us who we are supposed to be; until he tells us who we are!

Feeling angry and upset..

..because I don't have a sense of belonging wherever I am; school/college, church.
..because I'm forgotten by my closest friends whom I take effort to keep in touch.
..because I'm always left behind in things.
..because I'm always taken advantage of.
..because I..I don't know. I just am!


*Must be my PMS talking so don't judge. It's called freedom of speech. Thank you.

Thoughts.

I miss my freedom. I miss being free with nothing to do but rest and relax. I miss enjoying life. I miss the joy of life. I miss being near to You and learning from you. I miss our connection. Where have they all gone? Lord, I miss you!

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Sigh, I seriously miss connecting with people man. Everything changed when Emily and Ashley left for Australia and then afterwards I changed to DUMC. The people there were very friendly but I guess cause they stayed so far in Damansara area, it was hard to meet up often with them. At least when I was in Pandamaran we had mamak sessions/outings after church and stuff. Sigh.

Dad doesn't understand that I need a support group 'cause he thinks my studies are more important for now. Yeah, he's right but sometimes just studying alone gets a tad bit BORING! RAWR. I feel so empty and hopeless. :/ OK, done emoing now. :) BYEEE.

Wong Fu Productions.

I've been an avid fan of Wong Fu Productions (WFP) ever since they made David Choi's "Won't Even Start" music video and I just admire their down-to-earth attitude that they show on their videos. Which led me to day dream about how it would be so freaking awesome to meet them in person but I never thought they'd come to Malaysia, just because they live in LA, USA. I mean, the flight to and fro must be super long. So when I heard that they were coming to Malaysia I told myself that I wouldn't miss it for the world! I mean come on, how often do you see a youtube celebrity in Malaysia right? :)

So I decided to buy their VIP tickets in the hope of getting picked as one of the 20 lucky draws to have brunch with them but unfortunately, there was a mixed up with the numbers and I got rejected. :(

Honestly, I didn't feel satisfied with the whole event. Firstly, isn't VIP ticket holders suppose to get some kind of advantage over general admission ticket holders? Then why is the ratio of VIP to GA like 65165161: 1. GAH SO PISSED SO VERY VERY PISSED! Maybe I'm just PMS-ing right now but I've been wanting to talk to WFP personally all my life; not just watching them talk! By the time I went inside the auditorium the middle seats were all full and only the side ones were left. :( which nobody notices. SIGHHHHH. I mean watching them talk on stage didn't make a difference as when I watch them on youtube. Urgh, what a waste of money! What's more the meet and greet was so freaking brief. They didn't even let us take pictures with them. At least do something for the VIP ticket holders lah. Ish! @$%!#$%@#$^@

OKlah, whatever. Too emo to post anything happy right now. :/

It's a blue blue day.

I feel so lonely nowadays, especially where all my friends are all over the world. :'( I miss talking to people without being judged. heck, I just miss chit chatting like a normal kid. I miss loads of stuff, like secondary one during recess when me, jess and Iri would (have to) walk to and fro at the dataran merdeka just talking nonsense. I hate that everything had to change when we were split into different classes. Everyone else found their group to click in and I'm just, everywhere. I'm trying to be optimistic and stuff, but still it hurts to know that you have no one to talk to. I talk to Him and try to not think so much, but the feeling keeps coming back. He's the only one I can rely on to spill my feelings and cry to cause sometimes friends might be busy with their own problems. :''''(

Faulty Change Plan # 5 James MacDonald, Senior Pastor of Harvest Bible Chapel

¹⁵I do not understand my actions. For I do what I do not want, but I do the very thing that I hate.¹⁶Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. ¹⁷So no it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. ¹⁸For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. - Romans 7:15-18

Another faulty method that has promised to bring about change among Christians we call monasticism. Monastic comes from the Greek word, monos, which meansto be alone. The early monks actually lived alone in the desert. The first monastic community was St. Anthony of Thebes in 271 A.D. Monks practiced three main things: work, prayer, and meditation. The goal of being a Monastic was true holiness by complete suppression of the will or the flesh. Very popular during the Middles Ages, thousands of monasteries around Europe housed men or women who took three vows: a vow of poverty, I will own nothing, a vow of chastity, I will abstain from all sexuality, and a vow of obedience, 100% submission to authority.It was a very difficult life. And it failed to bring about the kind of basic change that each of us needs.

You (and I) do not have the ability to live the Christian life. God has made no provision for you to live the Christian life apart from Him. Christianity is not trying harder or doing more. Christianity is an intimate, personal relationship with Jesus Christ who is alive and lives His life by His Spirit through you. Christianity is the Holy Spirit living in us.

“I don’t know what to do.” The Spirit convicts me of right and wrong.

“I don’t know what to say.” The Spirit convicts me what to say.

“I don’t know how to handle this.” The Spirit helps me with my infirmities because I know not how to do what I ought.

Monastic change tries to use human employed spiritual techniques to suppress the flesh: “I won’t do it! I won’t do it!” And here’s the reason why that doesn’t work. If you’ve ever failed in a diet—I certainly have done that—you know the tendency. You try and try to do the right thing. But when (not if) you fail, you do the wrong thing on steroids. Even the classic spiritual disciplines like Bible study, prayer, and fasting, have no power to bring about necessary change unless they are empowered by the Holy Spirit.

I don’t have the power to change myself. That’s monastic change—it doesn’t work. Put that in a bag and take it to the street.

Journal:

• What are the differences between the disciplines of the Christian life undertaken as a personal effort and undertaken under the power of the Holy Spirit?
• Where have I experienced this difference in my relationship with Christ?

Prayer: Father, I need to be reminded over and over again that growing as a believer doesn’t ever mean I outgrow my need for You to empower, guide, and sustain my life as a Christian. Thank You for Your faithfulness not only to help me see what needs to be changed but then applying Your power to bring about that change in me. I count on that life-changing power in Jesus’ name, Amen.

You make the world go round.

I wanna know you more. I wanna know what's on your mind. I wanna know you inside and out. I wanna know what it feels like to be close to you, to share your thoughts and desires, to know your plans for me. I wanna know how great a God you are. How awesome and wonderful you are and how you work in unimaginable ways! I wanna know you, Lord. Give me a bigger servant heart so that I may serve you with ALL of my heart, mind and strength. Teach me what it means to surrender my life to you 'cause the world CANNOT and WILL NOT satisfy my needs and desires in me. Teach me to take joy in whatever I do for You. I want You. <3